i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
