I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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