i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
