Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
