If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
