Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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