If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
