someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
