I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
