Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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