why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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