Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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