I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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