i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
