dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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