Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
your like the ambassador to my penis.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
