i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
