I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
