I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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