Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
