I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
