I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Sober January is a disaster.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
