Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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