Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
