My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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