The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
