That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
