You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
