toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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