Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Randomize
