i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
