Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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