My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
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I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
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One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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