This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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