I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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