I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
