He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
