Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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