I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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