Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
