How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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