I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
