Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
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sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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