I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
