Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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