Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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