You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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