It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we're making bets on your personal life
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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