Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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