when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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