Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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