Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize