I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
