Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
