he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
