Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
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If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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