Betty ford says i'm here all night
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
